This is every truth, major and minor, I can think of that encompasses my life. I'll elaborate on each one as I see fit. If you feel I haven't elaborated on one enough, or you're just generally curious about one, feel free to ask me about it either IN PRIVATE OR IN THE COMMENTS ON THIS POST ONLY! I'm open to discussing pretty much everything, save for one thing. That will be my very last post, so let's not even worry about that until we get there. Here goes!
--While I usually use the excuse of "coming from Chicago, therefore never needing to", the real reason I do not drive is because I am deathly afraid of doing so. I've been behind the wheel of a car twice in my life and that's quite enough for me. I'm currently in the process of trying to get over this particular fear, but it's bound to be a long process.
--I use panic attacks to tell me I'm doing something I should not be doing. I've had three in my life and they have all dissuaded me from doing things I know would have lead me in directions I'd rather not have gone. At least, this is what I realize when looking back on them.
--I'm an extreme mysophobe (germaphobe). I tend to hide it fairly well and have learned to repress it.. somewhat.
--More often than not, I'm actually ashamed of myself for holding the job I do. Sometimes it just feels like having no job would be better than doing THIS job. Sort of segues to the next point, as this happens while I'm at work a lot. **This truth mostly applied to when I still pushed carts, but occasionally I still think I'm far below where I should be and it makes me feel terrible.**
--When I hear people laugh, I always think they are laughing at me. Call it paranoia or low self confidence, but such is life.
--Sub-point to the previous point: I feel like everybody is talking about me behind my back at all times. I also feel that a lot of people I work with just don't like me for some reason. I've done nothing to them, but I can't help but shake a vibe every time I smile and nod at them that they would rather not have me there at all. I do my job well, I don't bother anyone. Don't quite get it.
--I love roses and kittens! (hey, had to be some happy shit in here SOMEWHERE! :P)
--My opinion is swayed far too easily. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not. Either way it's something I've realized as of late.
--I have the memory of a goldfish. Very little exaggeration here. I frequently have to be reminded if I've just eaten, so I don't eat again and waste food. This might explain my last truth. I'm so forgetful sometimes I even forget my own beliefs and adopt new ones. I feel terrible about forgetting stuff as it is, so if you could be kind enough to do me a favor.. If I ever forget anything you've told me or I'm supposed to know, please don't be upset. It's not that I don't care, I just have no memory retention.
--Save for select moments, I cannot remember most of my childhood before middle school. Even middle school and high school are beginning to get spotty here and there. This is sort of a nod to the last truth but it's a bit worse than that. If you remind me, I tend to remember things I've been told that I've forgotten. These are memories that are just GONE. People often refer to things that have happened and I have no idea what they're talking about.
--I am agnostic. My beliefs tend to be rooted in solid fact. I'm a man of science. If it can be proven, I believe it. That said, the concept of a God has not been DISproven.. so I also cannot rule it out as a possibility. Although..
--I believe organized religion is a horrible, horrible thing. It's caused more grief than good in this world and should be done the hell away with.
--I am a Democrat, through and through. The only Republican I have ever or will ever vote for is Bush Sr., and that's only because it was a mock election in kindergarten and I thought he looked funnier than the other candidates.
--I just learned I have been misspelling "kindergarten" my entire life, thanks to spell check on my last post. Thanks, spell check!
--Though it is my dream to work with Pixar, or at a game company as a 3d modeler/animator, I have finally come to terms with the fact that I'm pretty fuck awful at it. All of my creations thus far are based on basic geometry put together in fancy ways, and I overuse face extrusion (biggest modeling shortcut you can take). I also have 1 animation under my belt, and that was an object rotating in place.
--I am fairly confident if someone with power that mattered in the industry got a hold of one of my voice acting demo reels, I could make a career out of it that would carry me for life. Only problem is.. that doesn't happen without a whole lot of luck. SPEAKING OF WHICH!
--There are times in my life where I become abnormally lucky. Be it winning things or events simply falling into my favor, things to tend to work out for me in unexpectedly great ways, especially when things are looking at their worst. These bursts of well-timed luck are pretty much what keeps me going.
--My love life SEEMS to stem off of my luck. A burst of luck brings it to me and things are wonderful as long as that luck lasts. Never seems to last though.
--I find that I get crushes waaaaay too easily. Something I never really wanted to admit to myself, as it makes me feel kinda pathetic. Pretty, kind girl looks my way, I swoon. Suppose I should refer to them more as micro-crushes. When feelings full-on begin to grow for someone, that's a very different breed of monster.
--My friendships with women seem to be frequently misinterpreted as crushes. It's kinda making things weird, but this is just how I am when I make friends. It's not intentional er.. flirting? I guess? Hard to explain, but that's just how it kinda feels sometimes.
--I have a very high sex drive and a fairly insatiable sexual appetite. Hey, I told you guys this would be no holds barred. It's like I'm in permanent late teenage mode or something. Ridiculous. It has both ruined relationships for me, and I think in at least one case, kept one going when it should have ended much sooner haha. HOWEVER.. and this is important to note.. I can keep it completely in check these days. Used to not be able to, but now I can when necessary.
--I have almost no emotional reaction to death, at least as far as people go. Save for the absolute closest of family, like my dad and my grandma on my mom's side, death has never really bothered or upset me and most of my reaction to it has been for the sake of others. I mean it sucks and I certainly miss people once they're gone. And it sucks when friends and loved ones lose family. Just.. doesn't make me feel anything. If a PET of mine dies though, good god I lose it. I react very emotionally to animals being hurt or dying. I won't so much as step on a bug intentionally.
--I hate my brother. Not dislike, not disfavor. Hate and loath. This man has put me through hell since childhood and with rare exception has treated my mom like she's worthless and me like a piece of trash since my dad died when I was 9. In his own sick, twisted way he tried to replace my father after he was gone. I didn't want or accept this, obviously. He ended up doing nothing but yelling, screaming, breaking things, stealing my mom's money, constantly doing drugs and a whole lot more I don't even have space to go into detail on. The only reason I maintain civility with him is for my mother's sake. If not for her, he would never hear from me again.
--While I've never been formally tested for any sort of learning disability, I believe I have one that prevented me from doing almost any homework from 5th grade on. I tried many times to explain how it all worked to teachers, advisers, counselors, etc.. to no avail. I would sit down with my assignments, stare at them with the intent to work, and blank out. Everything would be white noise. I knew the material, that wasn't the problem. Everything just sort of faded when I looked at it. Never understood it and nobody ever really believed me, so ehh.
--Due to the previous issue, there's one big truth I have kept mostly to myself. I did not graduate high school. I got as far as I could by destroying tests and doing group assignments, but the lack of completing homework got me in the end. I'm going to be getting my GED very soon, and since I've been planning to for quite some time, that's the main reason I've never mentioned this. It's going to be a non-issue and it was always a huge embarrassment for me. I can finally afford to fix it, so I am.
Almost over. Just two left.
--Back in elementary school, a group of girls thought it would be funny to start up a rumor that I was gay. I found this out only a few years back. It explains the reason I went from the height of popularity my first couple years of school to being a social pariah in no time flat. Also explains why it wasn't until middle school that almost any girl showed remote interest in me. Yeah yeah, people dating or even LIKING each other in elementary school is weird. I grew up in a weird place. This pretty much fucked up most of my life right from the start. Probably the reason I have zero self-confidence and other such issues. Okay. This leads me to my final truth.
--At one point in my life, I actually WAS bisexual. Let me be crystal clear about this point though.. It was a LONG time ago, it was ONE guy, and it ended with him. That is all, that is the truth I absolutely refuse to elaborate upon or further discuss. If it is so much as brought up in passing, it'll be the last time we speak. Might not seem so earthshaking to some, probably will be to others. Sure as hell is for me and that's one of about 50 reasons it's never been brought up in the past. However, like the rest of this blog post, it helps me to just get it all out there and have it said. I have never told a single soul in my life, and there are still some people I will NEVER tell, family included. It is not who I am now, but it sure as hell went towards building the person I became
That's it. I'm certain there were more, but there goes my memory again. I will make individual posts if I remember others, and this blog will continue to be a documentation of the progress I'm making in my life. I've never kept a journal and this is as close as I'll ever get. I want to share it with those who might listen. Maybe you'll learn something from it, maybe not. I just need to be understood for who and what I am. I feel that very few people truly DO understand me. Not their faults, mind you. I do keep more or less to myself. That's going to change and this is a hefty first step. Thanks for hanging along and listening. Talk to you all soon!
-Christopher Miller
