I have more truths to post in the future and many other stories to tell. First though, I pose a challenge to you all. I challenge you all to do what I've done. Lay all truths in your life bare. Dig deep and discover the truths you've been hiding even from yourself. List them out and post them. It's hard, it truly is. It will be very difficult and probably a bit painful for some. After my post, I expected to lose friends and general respect from many. What I got, however, was nothing but well wishing, positive advice and great friends telling me how proud they were of me. It felt WONDERFUL! If you want to feel better about life and have the people in it know and understand you for exactly who you are, no more and no less, do this. If it's something you're just not comfortable doing, that's perfectly fine too. No respect lost from me, I promise you. Being so open is never easy, especially if your closet harbors particularly large skeletons.
..but give it a try, if you can.
Hahaha, to be honest I think most, if not all of my truths are way arbitrary (aka stuff I would gladly admit/talk in more detail about) so I took a leaf from your last journal entry in creating this list. This sounds like a fun exercise anyway, so here goes!
ReplyDelete--When I was ages 5-8 I could have died three times--once from a motorcycle accident, once from a boulder, and once from an almost car accident. I have been in one car accident my whole life, and this was when I was under twelve years old.
--The only memory I recall of my parents together is of this one time when my dad was hitting my mom, where at one point I was squished between her and this chair made of some tough material—the pain caused me to cry my eyes out. Even more, I sat outside as my dad smoked a cigarette waiting for the cops, and when they took him away I kept crying and screaming, “I want my daddy!”
--Aw, we both lost a parent at a young age. One night my mom committed suicide via a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the center of her forehead, about two months before I turned eight. It would be years before my dad told me she also attempted to poison herself in the garage via the car’s exhaust, and that she drove off a cliff, which resulted in (I think) a broken leg. My grandma was visiting and she found her body in the attic. On that night I remember peeking out of our second-floor kitchen window (after she thought I’d been put to sleep) and seeing her car drive off from the garage, presumably straight to the gun shop. I went to sleep and never heard the gunshot—that was the last I saw of her. The next morning I was annoyed at being woken up by cops, was confused by my neighbor apologizing for something, grandma disappearing, the ambulance in front of my house, and my neighbor suddenly sending me on a trip all the way to the opposite (east) coast, but my dad enlightened me the very next day. I always knew he had told me about the cause of her death, but I just found out a month ago when EXACTLY he told me.
--My mom’s death may have been integral to this, but soon after the fact, I would hate my dad and all of New Jersey for years on end, and I would either want to die (“so I could be with mommy again!”) or want to kill him with “poisonous” spiders. I would feel responsible for her death by thinking that me telling her to stop babysitting (I think I was jealous of the other kids or something) and do something else with her life, was the ultimate contributor to her demise. I never actually came close to even making an attempt on my own or his life though, so whew!
--When I was little I would watch Beavis and Butthead. One day in third grade I went to school and said to this girl “Hey chicky! You got some big boobs!” I then remember an angry-looking Mrs. McMickell, and nothing more.
--I’ve always (and I never say always or never) been bored with church. My earliest memory of it would be of my mom dragging me kicking and screaming “I don’t wanna go to church! It’s stupid and boring!” down the basement stairs to the car. I would run down to the church’s basement floor at every opportunity to get free breakfast, while my mom would be at the service upstairs. When I was a teenager and I visited my grandma, she would practically BEG me to go to church with her for an hour at most, me humbling and grumbling the entire time. I don’t remember particularly when I stopped believing in Christianity/Catholicism (assuming I even started believing) but I think me hating ritualistic ceremonies had lots to do with it—unfortunately I rejected both religion and science, but now I’m reading more science books.
--When I was little I loved climbing mountains and archery. I think my former fear of bees arose when one stung me when I was almost eight, after briefly glancing at a few bees hovering around a honeycomb. I was a boss even as a kid.
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ReplyDelete--My family has never been close and I’ve never bothered to remember my dad’s family. I would hate how he would try integrating his family into my life--I would come home one day and there would suddenly be this new person all the way from Pakistan, whom I’d never heard of, who was related to me, who would spend gosh knows how many days with us. I was never told a thing and I already didn’t like strangers by default. Hated it. Also the only family member I have any contact with is my dad (my sister, aunt and cousin on my mom’s side are goodness knows where, they all hate my dad, and my grandma died last October and I didn’t find out until November). When I was little, somehow my grandma thought it was an awesome idea to have me spend the night at my grandpa’s house after I’d first met him (I was like 9)—did NOT like that.
--I stopped defining my sexuality a long time ago and contrary to you sir, I have an almost non-existent sex drive, but that doesn’t stop me from looking at pornographic media. From age 18 I have had four almost-sexual encounters, each time with a different gay (I don’t know about one of them) man, and all four were the result of horrid misunderstandings. Regardless I can see myself happily dating anyone of any gender. I had an online relationship with someone we both know for months, but I was kind of an a-hole because I would neglect her and would just be a really cruddy “listener” and person/friend. She’s still an awesome gal IMO and despite how little we talk, I wouldn’t trade her friendship for the world. And that is my entire dating life thus far. I no longer get crushes and have never desired anyone else, although I still love people anyway!
--Hahaha that reminds me, the summer after fourth grade I was in an acting camp at the high school (I was in James and the Giant Peach, but that’s not important), and there was this one girl who liked me, only there were two problems: I didn’t like her back and I thought she was “mean.” Literally every other kid except for me was afraid of her because she would get angry for some reason and BITE the other kids, but she would be nice to me! One time she asked me to be her girlfriend (she kissed the back of my hand—woo first kiss!) and the first time I refused, but for some reason she asked me to be her boyfriend for the last few weeks of camp “until school starts” and I accepted. I still avoided her anyway and didn’t see her again until like a month later, on the school playground, where she was like “We were a couple over the summer but not anymore!” I gave absolutely zero f---s and still laugh about it when I think of it today.
--Hey, I had a rumor started about me being gay, too! You know how when you want to whisper to someone you cup your hand and put it between your mouth and their ear? In fourth grade I would be smart and cup both hands together, creating a tunnel where my secrets could go nowhere except into the recipient’s ear! A former friend (Andrew) ditched me as a friend when he told me that other kids had been making fun of him because of this. I was bullied in middle school for different reasons, but all throughout middle school and high school I hated almost all of my classmates (for no legitimate reason) and would spend almost all of my free time alone. Stupid kids :P
--I have been in two physical fights at school, ever. Both in middle school, one I “won,” one we “tied,” neither I was punished for. Good times.
--Years ago I would trespass on abandoned property across the parking lot of a local shopping center, because I thought it was fun exploring them. At one point I was on a roof and I saw cop cars speed over and pull up to the door. I was the only one there, so I flew down the side roof ladder, jumped off a ledge into some grass, then ran across the street into a neighboring apartment complex. I made my way back home and ultimately got away, like a champ!
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ReplyDelete--At around age 16 I got pissed because my dad would regularly insult me and be angry that I couldn’t drive (I barely failed my school’s driving test), so to prove myself, one night I swiped his keys and hopped in his car while he was sleeping to try “driving.” My dad had a column shift, so on top of not knowing how to operate the car, I couldn’t see or make heads or tails of what gear I was in. I wound up driving forward, hopping the curb and smashing in a metal grate, reversing and sideswiping two cars, turning around a large bush before taking out one of the wooden support beams to an upstairs apartment’s balcony, ending up with the right half of the car smashed through the downstairs apartment's glass door, the car almost parallel to the door, almost preventing entry. The door I crashed into was one of my former friend’s—he, his mom and his visiting family were just in shock and they called the cops, but my dad had talked to them for me, saving me from arrest. I had to pay my county about $150 a month for about four months. The same people still live there today. I have never spoken with them since.
--I used to have to stand up for my brother whenever my dad would hit us (particularly when, from when I was like 12+ he would focus on hitting my brother and ignore me) but at the same time I used to explode in anger and hit him, too. I don’t know when I stopped, but I’m happy I did long before my dad. I don’t know what your brother was like, but he kinda reminds me of my dad—particularly the yelling/screaming/breaking stuff/doing drugs, and at one point he brought over strange women and they both did things.
--I hope you do get your GED soon! I was in special education from fourth-fifth grade and on/off in middle school (hated it all) and in high school the highest-level courses I took were college prep, so I’m happy I at least managed to graduate high school. My science and math education just suck in my opinion, so college has been high school catch-up, and even then I feel there’s much work to do. That won’t stop me from doing it though, so best to both of us!
--I don’t want to die because I love this world and its inhabitants (like you guys!) so much.
--Speaking of which, when I was little my mom bought me pets: I think I drowned our rabbit, our cat scratched me on day one (mom borrowed it from a lady and took it right the heck back!), my Cocker-Spaniel was put down (I was told it was because he would bite people…BS I say!) and my grandma took my Golden Retriever to the pound when I moved. I don’t remember the first two pets very well, but I loved my dogs so much <3
--People say I’m nice, polite, cool, calm, stable, happy, cheerful and easy to talk to. WOO! Almost everybody I know tells me their secrets and claims I’m one of the few IF ONLY people they’ve told me. I’ve held so many “secrets” I’ve forgotten a few of them—now whether being a secret-keeper is important or not is the major question here.
--I go between being way shy and way out there (on the outside, on the inside I’m always out there! :D). My dad and I saw a psychologist when I was about twelve and I don’t remember if she helped me, but I may see one again in the future. Not that I believe I have any pressing issues, but just to glean a professional’s view on how my mental health is.
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ReplyDelete--I love my job (I’ve had it for about three years going on four now). It’s part-time, always hovers around 12 hours a week, but it’s a dead-end, fairly unskilled job, which will definitely go one day. To shake up the monotony of my shift, I constantly break and challenge the rules, (particularly where I do things outside my regular job duties) even after I was almost fired for stealing (borrowing but never officially checking them out from circulation) books and DVDs. Other than that I face very few consequences and am just as happy being informal with patrons as I would be if I acted formally with him. I have also had quite a few patrons offer to take me to church with them o__o I do hope you feel better about your having the job you do—I used to identify with abhorring myself from the jobs I took, and it’s no fun!
--I also pay televised sports no mind (rather out of habit, and I surmise this habit tends to perpetuate my disinterest in them) but actually PLAYING them has been a blast for me. Soccer, tennis, swimming, track, rollerblading, skateboarding snowboarding, baseball, kickball, even football, bring it all on!
--I always thought every broken rule would result in swift, unjust punishment, so I never dared act out in school and quietly went along with the rules (no matter how trivial I found them) until late in high school, where I would leave school and go for walks at lunch, and skip pep rallies like a boss. The only time I have been punished at school was when I received a lunch detention in sixth grade by my study hall teacher, for not doing homework that was due the period right after lunch. Lameness.
--How I carry my opinions may be opposite from you—I frequently follow and keep my own, and disregard authoritative opinions unless I know at least a bit of what they’re talking about and it makes sense to me.
--Kittens and puppies! My soul belongs to Reddit, which is full of these.
--I think people are cool beans and they can be mildly amusing creatures, however I usually prefer watching them interact and react with the world/go about their lives, and I like trying to figure out what goes on in their heads and what may have happened in their pasts, kind of like watching lab mice. As such I have hardly any friends, almost none of which I consider deep, I haven’t had crushes and I “love” people but I don’t know if I’ve been “in love.” I have been sad and agonized over friends who have died even if, to me, they were barely acquaintances in life. I can be friends with and have no contact with you for years on end BUT still be amicable with you. All of these behaviors are simply my interaction styles, none of which I believe are indicative of any distress/problems to me. I spend a great deal of time alone but I never feel lonely. And this is okay.
--When I first moved here my grandma, aunt, and sister would each call DYFS and the police on my dad for various reasons, and I called the police on him at least once when he became abusive. I used to do nothing but take everything he dished out at me, until one time I grabbed his raised arm and pushed him over a chair, causing him to fall, hit his head on the windowsill and get wedged between his bed and the wall. Cue running out of the house for a few hours and sneaking back in the middle of the night! My dad would sometimes be brought home or to jail for things like public intoxication, and I would never hear from him until after the fact. Yes officer, 16-year-old me is an “adult” you can “safely release him” to, and no, I’m not just saying that because I don’t fear repercussions from him if I say no. Despite all this AND MORE stupid things, the greatest amount of time he spent away from home was just ONE night.
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ReplyDelete--Now my dad and I are fairly cool beans—we’ll talk about politics, play Mario Kart Wii; he’ll want me to watch some TV shows/movies/news with him, and just way casual stuff like that. I won’t tell him anything “too” personal, including stuff about my friends, and may lightly touch upon any worries/issues I have, but overall we’re peacefully cohabiting.
--I have been to one wake, one funeral (all for the same person--an acquaintance) and zero weddings. Baww.
Hmm, these are all the truths I have on my mind for now. I may draw more ideas from your previous entry, but for now, that’s about it. I would ask you to elaborate more on all of your truths, but these have been fascinating reads about you, and I do applaud you for putting them up. Props to the both of us for being honest, w00t!
Wow Dean I did not know a good number of those things about you! I remember us discussing mostly your home life with your dad and brother, and a little bit about your mother, back when it was all really badly going on when we met. Thank you so much for sharing everything :D I'm really glad we can relate in so many ways and really glad to have you as a friend. Very proud of you for posting this too :)
DeleteDayuuuuuuuuuum, and those are things I never knew about you O.O But like chris said, thanks for sharing though :D
ReplyDelete